What hurts the most
by Ashqua
Summary: Takes place after 1.4 : Veronica goes to Lilly’s grave and tells her some of her deepest secrets but Logan hears everything and decides to help her. But will she let him? LoVe
1. Chapter 1

Summary: Takes place after 1.4 : Veronica goes to Lilly's grave and tell her some of her deepest secrets but someone hears everything… Duncan and Veronica never dated.

A/N : I know, I know, I've got a lot of stories going on, but I like this one and I wanted to post it without waiting. I've got only one VM fic which isn't over yet (what happened to us). Please don't forget to review.

Sorry for all the mistakes, I'm French.

Veronica walked along the path she had come to know over the last year, she came here more often than anyone but no one knew she was one who came every friday to visit her best friend's grave and left flowers. She usually came to see Lilly on Fridays so she wouldn't feel alone in this place where there was only silence, her best friend shouldn't be here, she used to be so full of life. She was proven right by the footage Logan made in her honor, Lilly was the definition of life whereas she, Veronica Mars, was the definition of death, depression and many other things.

She slowed down when she reached her the grave and put the flowers against the headstone and sat on the freshly mowed lawn.

"Hey Lil', it's me. I know it's not Friday but I wanted to visit you sooner but don't worry I will be there on Friday, you get to see me twice this week, lucky you!"She started to say as if her best friend was standing in front of her. A lonely tear made its way on her cheek, this was not part of the plan, she had stopped crying months ago, why was she crying? She hated that! "I'm sorry, I know how much you hate it when I cry, Veronica 0.2 never cries so I don't understand why I'm crying, gosh this is so stupid. You know, today your parents held something at school in your honor, you should have seen Celeste, she was all happy but when she saw Logan's footage she almost had a stroke. She wanted him to show the Lilly she would have wanted to have for daughter, not the real you, not our Lilly, you would have been proud of Logan. After more than a year, one would think that it would hurt less to come here and talk to you but it still hurts like hell, I can't move on Lilly, I can't forget you. I want to know who did this to you, I want to know who raped me, I want to know why I can't move on, I want to know why every time I close my eyes I see you." she said angry, as she wiped her tears away, she didn't want to cry, big girls don't cry and she was a big girl. "My life is hell without you in it, sometimes I wish I were the one who died, you shouldn't have died, there are so many things you wanted to do, things I can't do, I'm not like you Lilly, I'm not strong. You were the strong one, if you had been raped I'm sure you would have done something about it, you wouldn't have done what I did and try to pretend it didn't happen, you would have kicked Lamb's ass. and you wouldn't have cut your hair by yourself.

"You wanna know what the hardest thing is? Pretend that what the people who used to call themselves my friends don't hurt me with their words, pretend that I don't care that my mom was so much in the bottle that she didn't even see that I suffering, pretend that Logan's words don't even hurt me, because they do. I had seen how horrible he could be towards someone, but to be the focus of his hatred is too hard, I don't know how long I can do this. I just want this to end, someday when I wake up I wish I had died in my sleep or something like that, I just want this pain to end and if it means that I have to die for it to end then okay, I don't care anymore. I want my old life back, I want my best friend back, I want my family back."

"I know what I'm saying is horrible and you would probably kick my ass if you were here, but it's true Lilly, I just want life to come to an end but don't worry I won't kill myself, I will just wait for death to come and get me. I'm not going to give to the 09ers the pleasure of knowing they've managed to drive me to death, I will just wait patiently the day when I will leave this life and join you in the afterlife. You'd better have a party ready by the time I join you and don't forget to invite all the hot guys there are, if you could get James Dean to come that would be awesome!" she said with a small smile, she dried her wet cheeks and look at the stars, looking for the one that was shinning more than the others. After Lilly's death she had decided that the star that shinned the most was Lilly's star.

"I can't see the Lilly's star tonight, don't tell me you are depressed because I wouldn't believe you, you are the one with the great life and I'm the one with the shitty life. I miss you Lil', I wouldn't feel so bad if I knew you were happy, could you please give me sign, just a small one to make me feel a little bit better and make these nightmares stop. I want to go to sleep forever, I want a night with no nightmares, just for once I want to be able to go to bed without being scared. I'm tired Lilly, so tired." she whispered slowly as she looked at the flowers she had brought with her, they were beautiful just like her best friend is/was. "My father wants me to go to see a shrink but I don't, I'm afraid of what I could tell him, I don't want to worry about me. You know, he still doesn't know anything about the rape, if you knew you would have turned Neptune upside down to find the one who did this. Some days I wish I could tell someone about it, but there is no one to talk to but you, I know my secret is safe with you, see you aren't the only one with a big secret.

"I've got to go, my father is out of town again and I want to go home and do some homework before going to bed, I will come back on Friday and tell you all about my last adventures. Take care Lilly and if you are bored in the afterlife, you can always visit me so we can gossip a little, just like in old times."

She kissed her fingers and put them on the headstone, she hurried to her car, not even noticing someone was behind her. She brought her car to life and drove away from the graveyard.


	2. Chapter 2

I know, it's been a long long time since I've posted the first chapter, it's just that I've been pretty busy with college, my other fics and RL, I will try to work on this story now that my other two stories are almost over and the one I'm working on isn't taking me much time since it's easier to write than this one. I'm going to be honest with you, I dont know where this story is going unlike my other stories, so forgive me if sometimes I do crazy or stupid things. You'll realize that there's one big similiarity to What Happened to Us, but Veronica's relation with a particular character will really different from the one she will have in WHTU...

Please review to tell me if you like where this story is going or not or if you have suggestions to make because I really need some of them right now LOL

Chapter 2

Veronica was looking at her reflection in the mirror, she looked like hell, her eyes were red because of the tears she had shed at the graveyard, on her way home and finally at home. She moved to the couch and sat with Back up's head on her lap, and started to watch the second season of South Park, a gift from Lilly for her birthday.  
The doorbell rang but she didn't move from her spot and carried on watching Kenny get killed for the third time in the episode, but the person who was on the other side of the door didn't want to leave, since he rang the bell again and again.

"Come on Ronnie, I know you are here, I can hear the TV through the door."

Veronica remained where she was but let go Back, he went to the door and started to bark, she didn't even try to keep him quiet, she just carried on watching her show, trying to ignore Logan's presence on her doorstep. She wasn't ready to have another round of who can yell the loudest, she was fed up, why couldn't he give her five minutes of peace. Their last fight worn her out, she wasn't ready to fight with him again, he had already called her a bitch five times today, a slut three times and a whore once, not that she was counting.

"Veronica stop playing and open the door, we need to talk and I don't really want to do it through a closed door."

"Go home Logan, it's late and I'm tired, we can pick up a new fight tomorrow and if you are really nice it will be in front of your friends."

"I won't go anywhere until we talk, come on Veronica."

"I said no! Just leave and leave me the hell alone, don't you understand that I want to be alone?" she yelled, getting up and going to her room so as not to be able to listen to him. There was something in his voice that almost made her want to listen to what he had to say, she has to be crazy to want to listen to what Logan Echolls has to say.

* * *

Logan knocked on the door and rang the bell several times but left only when he realized that Veronica wasn't going to listen to him tonight, he just hoped she would listen to him someday, but after all the things he did he was not sure. She obviously didn't want to talk to him., he called Duncan on his way to his home to tell him he was coming over and he'd better be ready to talk. 

"What the hell are you doing here at midnight?" Duncan asked him a few minutes after he opened the door. "Shouldn't you be at home or better, sleeping instead of annoying me this late?"

"I need to talk to you and it couldn't wait until tomorrow, I just need to tell it to someone before it drives me crazy and you know what it's like when I go crazy."

"What are you talking about? Logan, I think you should go home, you aren't making sen.."

"Veronica." he said, suddenly Duncan didn't feel like telling him to go home and get drunk instead of annoying him.

"The bar is in the living room." he told him, before he walked there followed by Logan He pulled out of the bar a bottle of tequila and took a long sip before giving it to Logan who shook his head no. He looked at him puzzled, he was never one to refuse a drink. "I don't know what happened betwen you two but it must be big, I've never seen you refuse a drink."

"You could say that, you know after the whole Lilly memorial thing I went to the graveyard to visit her grave, I don't really know why. I just felt like visiting her grave."

"Logan..."

"No, please just listen to what I have to say before interrupting me, so I went there and I wasn't alone, Veronica was already there. She was talking to Lilly and I know that what I did was wrong but... but I've listened to what she said. God! She was so broken, I hate myself because I know I'm partially responsible for that and quite frankly I don't know what to do anout it."

"What happened?"

"I don't know everything, I was pretty shocked so I didn't get everything, but ... did you know she was raped?" he asked without any warning.

Duncan dropped the bottle he was still holding, he didn't even notice the millions of small pieces of glass around him. He sat down and looked at Logan to see if he were jocking or not, but he wasn't. He opened and closed his mouth several times, no sound coming out, he was in shock, he wanted to throw up, it couldn't be truth. Veronica would have told him something like that, she would have never hide something that big from him. She made a promise, never lie to him nor keep things for herself.

"No, what happened? Are you sure, because... You could have misheard her or something like th..."

"Duncan I don't know, I didn't know what she was talking about it. But I'm pretty sure she was raped, the way she was talking about it, she sounded so broken, I'm afraid she is going to do something harsh."

"What do you mean?"

"She was talking about afterlife and how she wanted to join Lilly."

"Veronica, no never! She would never leave me! She promised! She isn't going to die, she is stronger than that! It's not true, why are you doing this? Do you enjoy hurting us, Logan, Why are you lying ab..."

"I'm not lying! Why do you think I hate myself, I've spent the last year tormenting her, driving her to her grave!"

"I can't lose another sister." Duncan said so softly that Logan almost didn't hear him but he did. He stood in front of his best friend trying to make sense to what he just heard, but it was hard. Duncan had only one sister and she was dead, Veronica even if she was like a sister to Lilly, she was her best friend, not her sister.

"What do you mean? I know how close you and Veronica are close that you still spend time together but..."

"My father had an affair with Veronica's mother, she is what you could call his love child, why do you think she hates her mother?"

Logan looked at his best friend, with his mouth forming a 'O', he was so not expecting Duncan to tell him that, but then it would explain many things, such as why he remained friend with Veronica even if her 'father' went after Jake. He sighed and said the first thing that came to his mind and it was "Shit!"

"I've got to call her, I can't let her kill herself, I can't lose her, Logan you have to help me."

"I will but she doesn't want to have anything to do with me, in fact if she could kill could me and get away with it, she would probably do it. I went to her flat but she refused to talk to me, I don't know how I can help you but I'll do everything I can, you can't trust me."

"Logan, if she ever dies then my parents'd better choose a new coffin soon, because I won't be able to live if she is gone. She is the only one who understands me, she is my older sister."

"It's okay Duncan." he said, taking his sobbing best friend in his arms.

"No it's not, we have to call her before she does something..."

"Duncan, it's past midnight, she must be asleep."

"I don't care! I'm going to call her, I need to talk to her and make her realize that she can't leave me like Lilly did, you understand."

"Of course, call her, I will drive you since I didn't drink."

"Okay."


End file.
